It is a torment to me, to remain out of the presence of God for long intervals during the course of my work. I am filled with sorrow by the realization that all during this time when I am pouring myself out in activities, numerous faults escape me, irrespective of the state of my soul, whether I display a mixture of fervor and imperfections, or whether I am frankly tepid. And hence I want to start to remedy matters today by practicing custody of the heart.
In the morning, when I am making my meditation, I shall determine very precisely and firmly upon a certain moment in my work when I shall attempt, even while carrying on busily the work willed by God, to live as perfect an interior life as I can, to practice self-custody, that is, to be in Your presence, dear Lord, and at the same time keep an eye on myself, always having recourse to You, acting just as if I had made the vow always to do what is most perfect.
I shall begin by doing this for five minutes, or even less, morning and evening,
This is practically the same as what Bossuet called the “moment of loving solitude which we should at all costs set aside during the day.” It is also what St. Francis de Sales so strongly recommended under the name of spiritual retreats. “Devotion’s principal work lies in this exercise of the spiritual retreat and in ejaculatory prayers. Here is an exercise that can make up for the lack of all the other forms of prayer, but the lack of this one is practically irreparable by any other means. Without it, it is impossible to lead the active life otherwise than badly . . . and work will always be an obstacle to us” (Intro. to the Dev. Life, Pt. ii, ch. 3).
and shall concern myself much more with making it perfect than with making it long. I shall also try to make it better and better all the time, and strive to have the purity of intention, the custody of my heart and of all my faculties, and the generosity, that you would expect to find in a saint, in a word: to act in all things as Christ Himself would have acted in doing the same work, and to do all this in the midst of my work, EVEN, or rather ABOVE ALL if it is very ABSORBING.
This will prove an apprenticeship for a practical interior life. It will be a protest against my habits of dissipation and my wandering mind. I want Jesus. I want His Kingdom. And when the time for external work arrives I want His Kingdom to go on just the same in myself. I do not want my soul to go on being a public hallway open to every wind, in which it becomes impossible to live united to Jesus, vigilant, suppliant, and generous.
During this brief moment, I shall keep my eyes directed, without strain, upon all the motives of my soul’s acts, and I shall forgive no fault. My good will, too, will be frevently determined to let nothing slip through that might make my living less perfect during this interval, brief as it is! And then my heart also, will be resolved to have frequent recourse to Our Lord, to keep going in this WORKOUT IN SANCTITY.
This practice is going to be hearty, and happy, and done with great expansion of soul. Of course vigilance and mortification will be necessary if I am going to keep in the presence of God and deny my faculties and senses everything that smacks of nature. But I am not going to be satisfied with this merely negative side. I shall try above all to put into this exercise that intensity of love which, by making me more careful in the practice of Age quod agis, first of all the purity of intention and then with an ever increasing ardor and impersonality and generosity, will give my works all their perfection and value.
In the evening, at my general examination of conscience (or at the particular examen, if I make this exercise its subject), I shall make a rigorously close analysis of the way these few minutes of strict and unreserved self-custody before Jesus turned out. Then I will impose a sanction, some little penance (cut out a few cigarettes or take a little less dessert, unnoticed by anyone else, or else pray a little while with the arms out in the form of a cross, or give myself a few smart blows on the fingers with a ruler or some hard object), if I observe that I have not been sufficiently vigilant, or fervent, or suppliant, or loving during this tryout in self-custody, that is, in the union of interior and active life.
What wonderful results can be obtained from this practice! What a school of self-custody!
What new light it will throw on sins and imperfections of whose existence I was not even aware!
These blessed moments will come gradually to exercise a VIRTUAL influence on the moments that come after. Nevertheless, I shall not prolong them until I have just about gone as far in them as I can, in holiness and perfection of execution, and intensity of love.
I am going to aim at quality rather than extent. My thirst to take more than just a few minutes at this practice will grow stronger in proportion as I see more correctly what I am and what You expect of me, Dear Lord. And thus gradually getting familiar with this salutary exercise I shall contract a real need for it, and it will become a habit, and then You will make known to my soul, thus purified, the secrets of the life of union with You.
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